Faithful God

Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine, in the very heart of your house, you children like olive plants all around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord. Psalm 128:3&4

It was one year ago this month that James and I made the decision to try to get pregnant. We we're excited and to be honest, a bit scared! It's such a sobering thing to realize you will be responsible for a life, and our lives would change in such a huge way because of it.  All along, we never had any idea what the next year would really hold for us. Now, six months after we lost our little Eternity Grace, we are celebrating a new life inside me! Jesus has been so faithful, and He is so good to fulfill the desires of our hearts. His ways are not my ways, but instead of having one child a year later, I now am blessed with two: one I must wait for a while to meet, and one I get to meet in just a few months time. I'm 12 weeks (and a few days!) along, and only 4 months after surgery I became pregnant with this one! It's been quite a journey for me due to a very bad case of morning/afternoon/evening sickness. I truly didn't know it was possible to be this sick, so it's caused me put everything else aside and focus on simply surviving during this time. I'm very anxious to put this stage behind me and be free to enter into the full joy of the coming baby. The Lord has given James and I some insight into a couple of our future children including names, so we very anxious to find out if it's a girl or a boy to know who they are! 

I'd like to take a minute and talk about how thankful I am for Christian Healthcare Ministries (CHM).  James was very determined that we get some kind of health care before we started a family.  I am so thankful for my wise and kind husband! We decided on CHM because it best suited our needs, and we loved the idea of the Body of Christ coming together and truly acting as the Acts Church and caring for each other in a very practical way. CHM is not an insurance company but rather a very large group of believers that pay in a certain amount of money on a monthly basis, which then becomes a pool of money that goes towards the health care costs that may arise for individual members. There are three different levels costing different amounts the can fit each budget and health care needs. For me, we chose the highest level, Gold, which, over the course of a year, ends up costing much less then what we would pay out of pocket without any health care coverage for prenatal and birth costs. All this to say- Our first pregnancy was NOT normal and instead of a few thousand dollars it was close to $15,000 AFTER discounts. I cannot thank my husband who made the decision to first get health care coverage before we got pregnant with my ectopic, and I can't thank Christian Healthcare Ministries enough for providing such a wonderful service that was so easy to work with in the midst of a hard time.

I pray that my story can be an advocate to encourage you to have some kind of insurance or health care coverage, both James and I went years without it, and for the time that was totally fine for us. But I am so thankful we have coverage now, and love that we have the opportunity to be a part of a body of believers that can take care of each other rather then depending on the government to provide for our needs.
If you are interested in Christian Healthcare Ministries please message me for more details and our personal referral link.

A step of Faith...

Take my life, take it all
There is nothing worth me clinging to but You
Search my heart, search my hands
Wash me from the stains, ‘til what remains is true
I lift my head, You lift my soul
Shining as the sun, You’re the kindest one I know
So hear my voice, I make my vow
To hold nothing in my heart but all You’ve sown

"Take My Life" by Seth Parks

I really do view my life as a journey, with every day sometimes being a battle. How we as humans try to live a life for someone so much greater and above us is a mystery. How do serve and love Him when we are so different then He? My greatest battle is within my mind. I long to trust Him but feel a constant wrestle with my idea's of how things should or could be. He's ways are so mysterious. I don't understand how He gives and takes life. How sometimes he intervenes and some times He holds back for the sake of our will and broken flesh. How does He make that choice? How do we trust Him for things in the future when He hasn't operated in the power He could have in past situations? He knows all, and I know so little. This is what gives me hope and the strength to choose yes to Him in the midst of my fears and doubts. My vision is so small compared to His. I'm human, and He is God, of course He can take better care then I can. It's such a simple concept in thought, but so complicated in actual daily practice. He has made me a new creation, and through His Holy Spirit I have the opportunity to live by the Spirit and not my flesh. Help me Lord! He really is our only Hope, Lord help me cling to no other thing but You and the truth and promises you've given me. Help my heart be tender and not offended towards You in this journey!

Gardening and all the glorious food that goes along with it...

A pan of tomatoes awaiting to be canned!

One of my greatest joys is eating a fresh piece of fruit or a vegetable from my very own backyard! There are very few things that can compare and all the hours of work is SO worth the reward of the sweet taste of tomato in my mouth!

Another reason I love it is the connection it gives me to my heritage and the precious people that came before me. I love being able to talk to my Grandma about different varieties of squash and how to grow onions. I love getting recipes from her that have been made for so many years. My Grandpa helped us put up our garden fence last year and we could talk about living off the land for hours.  What seems like such a "new and green" movement has been in my DNA for years!

Last week we harvested enough Tomatoes to can a few quarts, we have varieties of Cherokee Purple, Black from Tula, Cherokee Chocolate, Arkansas Traveler and Tappy's Heritage. They are all Heirlooms that we grew from seeds. This is my first year of canning all heirloom's and while researching online I found tons of opinions about canning and it was hard to find any definite information regarding canning Heirloom Tomatoes. It's very important that the PH level is right in canning and from what I've heard heirlooms have a lower acid level. I ended up putting a 1TB of lemon/lime juice in with each quart along with the usual 1tb salt.
We are weighing things this year and one fun fact I determined is 12lb of tomatoes should yield about 6 quarts jars. 

Waiting for water to boil to scald the tomatoes in order to peal off their skin

Filling up the jars with goodness!

In the boiler

My beauties! All but one sealed which I threw in a freezer bag and froze.

Jesus, come heal my heart.

It's now been 3 months since we lost our Eternity Grace even though it feels like yesterday. Time has always been a incomprehensible thing to me but even more so these last few months. I finally think I put my finger on what it is- life moves on while I feel stuck in the same place. Things around me change, and days pass, but my heart and mind are still processing and working though the loss of my baby.  So many times each day I think to myself "I am a mom."  My greatest dream of being a mother has begun, but she's not here. I'm not experiencing the joy of little kicks and squirms of a little one inside me, I didn't get to see my body change shape with the reality that a baby grows within my very body.  I walk around thinking, "I am a mom.. but no one would know." My heart aches daily with the longing to hold my child. I love her so much. I miss her so much. Children are so precious and such a blessing. I pray my heart will always be reminded of this when I'm feeling overwhelmed with constant care they need.

As I grieve, I'm constantly thankful for Jesus calling my heart open and to pursue surrendering all in order to live from deep inside. I can't imagine living bound up with a shut down heart. I want to be free to speak openly and love and comfort others from a place of tenderness and healing. This is my lifelong journey. I don't understand how the Lord ordains and calls forth and knows all things, but I am thankful how He uses situations to teach us to love better. I want to be the wife and mother that the He has called me to be, I want to be open to change and grow even when it's painful. Even when it's a battle, and when I'm stubborn, I am so confident that a life lived for him is so much better then one lived for my own wants and desires. May our hearts goal be to under His control and not our own.

Health Update: June 2011

Today I went in for a HSG test. Not to be confused with HCG test, which I've had MANY of the last few months.. This was a test to check my one remaining fallopian tube for any blockages. James and I really struggled with the decision and whether or not to go forward with it or not, for a variety of reasons; my body is ready to be out of stress and pain, tired of being at the DR/hospital/laps, bills and emotionally being drained just to name a few. It's still so hard to not scream   "Why is this happening to me?!?" But oh, how the Lord knows my heart.

So, we went in for this test- we resolved that the fear of the test is less than fearing another ectopic pregnancy.  It was scary for me though, the test itself and especially the potential of what the results could show.

The Doctor and nurse I had were extremely caring and so kind. This was such a gift from God. I had so many nerves walking into that room. They started the procedure which was indeed very painful and when he got to the part where he needed to attach the device to my cervix, he was unable to, even after trying multiple times. It was horrible. But, I have to say it really could have been so much worse had not the doctor been so kind and caring. He felt SO bad.. every time I would wince in pain, he would apologize so compassionately. Thank you Lord for that man! And I had a great nurse that was by my side the whole time.

So after all that they had to stop, and we walked away not knowing anymore then when we came. It just was not fun to go through, and its even worse when you don't have anything accomplished at the end of it. I haven't heard back from my OB yet on what her thoughts are and plans from here. I can't even think of going though that again. It's so hard to know what to do. It's hard to know whats trusting, and leaving in God's hands, and whats wisdom and taking precautions.  If someone can figure this one out, let me know!!!

My heart is so ready to put this whole thing behind me. I know I can't control the emotional part, but the physical seems somehow more controllable (even though in reality it isn't). I'm ready to be pain free and feel healthy and whole again.  I hate having limitations and resting is not easy for me. But time ever faithfully moves, and someday this will be a memory.  I am thankful for the good the Lord has brought forth from it. But it is a battle.

May the Lord bless and keep all of us in the journeys that we're on!

Deals!

I love Whole Foods and even more I love their One Day Sales on Wednesdays and occasionally on Fridays. This is a great way to save a bundle of money on some great items.

This week they had gourmet Bratwursts on Wednesday for $2.99/pkg. They had 3 or 4 different varieties that we got to choose from, they all look great!

And this was a special week that they had a Friday one day sale as well:
Organic Blueberries for $1.99/pint!

They also had (probably still do :) Back to Nature crackers on sale for 3 for $4.00. I combined that with a $1off coupon in the Whole Deal flyer and got them for .33/cents a box!! We got 11 boxes for 3.66 total before tax.  I'd say that's a great deal!

11 boxes of Back to Nature crackers, 3 Organic Lemonade, 6 packages of organic Blueberries = $22.17

3 packages of Continental Sausages for 2.99/each

I really do find buying Organic or more "Natural" doesn't have to cost more then buying conventional food, watching sales and only buying sales items can cost just the same or even less in some cases.  Hy-vee has conventional Blueberries on sale this week for $2.88/pint -I got Organic for $1.99/pint.
If you get items on sale, use a Whole Food's "Whole Deals" coupon plus a manufacturer's coupon it adds up to some great savings!

If you sign up for Whole Food's Newsletter they send out an email the day before advertising the One Day Sale, I look forward to it every Tuesday and sometimes on Thursday's.

Hy-vee normally has good sale prices on organic produce that is cheaper than Whole Food's most the time. I also can find Earthbound Organics (they carry a lot of their stuff) coupons pretty regularly that help cut the costs. Another tip with Hy-vee is their Priced Right Guarantee, if a price doesn't ring up right (excluding weighted items) then the item is free - BUT it is YOUR job to catch it. I always watch every item as the cashier rings it up. Make sure all your groceries are on the counter before the cashier starts ringing items up, so you can focus on watching the screen. I walk away with many things for free because of this program.

Happy shopping!

Health Update

I'm in pain and I feel like I could sing! Haha, Yes- I will explain! It's now been 3 1/2 weeks since the surgery and I'm still very much in recovery. This week has been hard because I've still been in a lot of pain and I feel like I'm running out of patience and tolerance to deal with it. I've also been concerned because in my mind I feel like I should be getting through most of the physical recovery by now. And how the ectopic pregnancy played out, I think I'm a bit more prone to fear when it comes to pain in my abdomen. So because of it I have been worried all week whether or not the pain that I'm still having is completely normal, or if there were other complications causing it. BUT, I just heard back from my doctor who assured me that I very easily could be in pain for 6 weeks. My response sounding something like a kid in a candy store. After I hung up, I literally laughed out loud at myself for getting so excited and happy to hear that! Knowing its ok and expected makes dealing with it so much more manageable! I will be ok, my body is simply dealing with the stress that its been through the last few months, including a major surgery. I'm just so ready for a time of rest.
I'm such a kind of person that loves list and LOVES checking off things from that list. The Lord is working in me.. I have no other choice then to just wait. This isn't something that I can quickly get done or get over...

I've been enjoying sitting in the garden with James as he works (again, I wish I could be bending down there getting dirty myself.) We have Tomatoes, Peppers, Eggplant, Tomatillos, Lettuce, Onions, Cabbages, Beans, Carrots, Pea's, Strawberry's, (with baby berries!) Asparagus bed (which we just planted this year) and Raspberry bushes. We're going to plant Cucumbers, Squash and Watermellon tomorrow. It's so good to finally have warm temperatures for both me and the garden to enjoy.
Last weekend we had some friends come over to help us get some work done and they laid newspaper and mulched leaves down in the walkways to keep weeds down! What a blessing!

My heart has been a little heavy with the reminders coming from everywhere of Mother's Day this weekend. I so wish I had my Eternity Grace to celebrate being a mom. I will be sending up extra special prayers for all those who don't have there child(ren) with them this weekend. May Jesus' comfort that's like no others be with you all!


Blessings and love,
Julie

Baby Eternity

It's funny how a month ago, I had never heard of the word  "Ectopic."  My mind still can't wrap around everything that has happened in the last few weeks. On April 6th, we met with some midwives because of pain in my abdomen and abnormal bleeding. We found out that day that we were pregnant and over the course of going through some symptom, they suspected an ectopic pregnancy. Over the next 6 days we waited for blood test results, and went from one really bad to one really good doctor and finally were able to get a ultrasound that confirmed that it was indeed a ectopic pregnancy, probably within my fallopian tube. They thought it was large at 2", we later found out after surgery that it was twice the size of my uterus (twice the size of your fist). This was inside of my fallopian tube, which is the size of a pencil. The doctors and nurses were shocked and have never seen one this big. My doctor gave credit to the Lord, (!) because it doesn't make sense in our earthly minds why it didn't rupture. I was around 4 months pregnant and had no idea, I will still bleeding all those months, just abnormally. I don't know how long my baby lived, she was never able to develop properly, the mass was so big because of blood clots that had multiplied around the pregnancy over the course of the last few months. 
My hope is to educate woman (and husbands too) about Ectopic Pregnancies. They can be so dangerous and can go undetected so easily. I took pride in knowing my body and understanding how it works, and I had no idea this was happening. I thought the symptoms were pointing towards a cyst. I was very wrong!

Thank You for saving me! The Lord truly preserved my life, I had no idea and was going about normal life without knowing something so wrong was inside my body. My heart has grown so much through this whole experience. I never understood the frailty of life, the Lord truly does bring life with every new day. Life is such a gift of God, I am not in control of myself, it is He who brings life that holds me in the palm of His hand. He takes such good care of me, better then I can of myself. I love Him more today then I ever have.

I'm in a good place! The last few years I've been walking a new path with the Lord, its been raw and barren and painful, but this experience has shown me so clearly that He loves where I'm at and He is so wise with how he calls forth wholeness. I am not ok with living life from only a few parts of my heart, I want Him to be Lord over everything. I want to love fully and from a place of healing, not of brokenness. He's ways are not our ways, and sometimes they don't make since, but he sees how much better His ways are then something we could have come up with.. or planned. I know why He loves marriage, it really is a picture of His relationship with us, in our current state anyways, when He returns, I'm sure it will look quite different!
I asked the Lord in my heart at a very young age and grew up in a Christian home. It was always "easy" being a Christian because that was all I knew.. It was when I was 13 that I really became aware of the power living within me. The next few years was such a special time with the Lord. I compare this to the season of "dating" your future spouse. It was so easy to love Him, there was so much emotion, and longing and joy. It was beautiful. I now can look at where I'm currently at and call it just as beautiful, if not more. I have grown so much. I love not out of an emotion but out of a commitment. I have joy, peace and hope only because of Him, there is no good thing in me and I am so weak without Him. I choose daily to love Him. I am so aware of my own weakness, I don't handle stress well, I freak out and get emotional easy. Through this whole thing I have felt such a strength holding me up- I have had a sound mind, I've felt the effects of it in my body, but my mind and heart have been strong and focused on Him. I know I have not walked this alone. He is working in me and I am growing in Him. I love the journey!

We named our baby Eternity Grace. She was destined for eternity, and she is in eternity waiting for me. The Lord gave us Grace when He gave her to us, His grace has been so evident. I can't wait for that day I get to meet her. I dream of what she looks like, if she has my red hair, if she has James brown eyes or my green ones. She is beautiful. She is loved. Her life was a gift and I'm so thankful the Lord desired for her to be apart of our family. I now have a tangible gift to help me long for eternity.
" Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. -1 Thes. 4:13." 
This is my hope! I don't know how I could go through this without having full confidence that one day all things will be restored. My baby never had to go through the pain of this world, she never had a make the choice of heaven or hell. Her destiny is secured, and it's in a wonderful place! She is now taken care of by One who can love so much better then I. She is safe and somewhere so much better then anything I could have given her. It does hurt though. I do miss her, I do long for her. It's such a mysterious thing to have life within your very being, its even more mysterious never getting to meet that life. I wish I could have held her.. felt her fingers around mine.. felt her close to me. She is greatly loved, and greatly missed, but I know I will be with her one day. This time on earth is such a little piece of all time. The Lord was so good to give her us, because I get to spend the majority of time with her! Thank you Jesus for her life.

If you don't know Jesus, or don't know Him like you would like too, I invite you to come be apart of my family. Our hope is eternity and without it we have nothing. I want to spend eternity with the those I love and not apart from one of them. He is such a good God and He has such a safe place waiting for you, both now and in that day. Living for Him is a joy and it is where our true happiness is found, life is meaningful only through Him, will you join me?
God, thank you for sending your Son, Jesus to die so that I could live. Thank you for giving me life with every new day. Thank you for sacrificing yourself and going through the very depths of pain so that I could have joy in You. Would you be my Lord today and walk with me for the rest of all time. Holy Spirit, come live within me and be my friend and leader. I love you and my life is Yours!  Amen!

Bless each and every one of you. Thank you for all the prayers, encouragement and help you've given us through this time.

Much love,
Julie and James