Baby Eternity

It's funny how a month ago, I had never heard of the word  "Ectopic."  My mind still can't wrap around everything that has happened in the last few weeks. On April 6th, we met with some midwives because of pain in my abdomen and abnormal bleeding. We found out that day that we were pregnant and over the course of going through some symptom, they suspected an ectopic pregnancy. Over the next 6 days we waited for blood test results, and went from one really bad to one really good doctor and finally were able to get a ultrasound that confirmed that it was indeed a ectopic pregnancy, probably within my fallopian tube. They thought it was large at 2", we later found out after surgery that it was twice the size of my uterus (twice the size of your fist). This was inside of my fallopian tube, which is the size of a pencil. The doctors and nurses were shocked and have never seen one this big. My doctor gave credit to the Lord, (!) because it doesn't make sense in our earthly minds why it didn't rupture. I was around 4 months pregnant and had no idea, I will still bleeding all those months, just abnormally. I don't know how long my baby lived, she was never able to develop properly, the mass was so big because of blood clots that had multiplied around the pregnancy over the course of the last few months. 
My hope is to educate woman (and husbands too) about Ectopic Pregnancies. They can be so dangerous and can go undetected so easily. I took pride in knowing my body and understanding how it works, and I had no idea this was happening. I thought the symptoms were pointing towards a cyst. I was very wrong!

Thank You for saving me! The Lord truly preserved my life, I had no idea and was going about normal life without knowing something so wrong was inside my body. My heart has grown so much through this whole experience. I never understood the frailty of life, the Lord truly does bring life with every new day. Life is such a gift of God, I am not in control of myself, it is He who brings life that holds me in the palm of His hand. He takes such good care of me, better then I can of myself. I love Him more today then I ever have.

I'm in a good place! The last few years I've been walking a new path with the Lord, its been raw and barren and painful, but this experience has shown me so clearly that He loves where I'm at and He is so wise with how he calls forth wholeness. I am not ok with living life from only a few parts of my heart, I want Him to be Lord over everything. I want to love fully and from a place of healing, not of brokenness. He's ways are not our ways, and sometimes they don't make since, but he sees how much better His ways are then something we could have come up with.. or planned. I know why He loves marriage, it really is a picture of His relationship with us, in our current state anyways, when He returns, I'm sure it will look quite different!
I asked the Lord in my heart at a very young age and grew up in a Christian home. It was always "easy" being a Christian because that was all I knew.. It was when I was 13 that I really became aware of the power living within me. The next few years was such a special time with the Lord. I compare this to the season of "dating" your future spouse. It was so easy to love Him, there was so much emotion, and longing and joy. It was beautiful. I now can look at where I'm currently at and call it just as beautiful, if not more. I have grown so much. I love not out of an emotion but out of a commitment. I have joy, peace and hope only because of Him, there is no good thing in me and I am so weak without Him. I choose daily to love Him. I am so aware of my own weakness, I don't handle stress well, I freak out and get emotional easy. Through this whole thing I have felt such a strength holding me up- I have had a sound mind, I've felt the effects of it in my body, but my mind and heart have been strong and focused on Him. I know I have not walked this alone. He is working in me and I am growing in Him. I love the journey!

We named our baby Eternity Grace. She was destined for eternity, and she is in eternity waiting for me. The Lord gave us Grace when He gave her to us, His grace has been so evident. I can't wait for that day I get to meet her. I dream of what she looks like, if she has my red hair, if she has James brown eyes or my green ones. She is beautiful. She is loved. Her life was a gift and I'm so thankful the Lord desired for her to be apart of our family. I now have a tangible gift to help me long for eternity.
" Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. -1 Thes. 4:13." 
This is my hope! I don't know how I could go through this without having full confidence that one day all things will be restored. My baby never had to go through the pain of this world, she never had a make the choice of heaven or hell. Her destiny is secured, and it's in a wonderful place! She is now taken care of by One who can love so much better then I. She is safe and somewhere so much better then anything I could have given her. It does hurt though. I do miss her, I do long for her. It's such a mysterious thing to have life within your very being, its even more mysterious never getting to meet that life. I wish I could have held her.. felt her fingers around mine.. felt her close to me. She is greatly loved, and greatly missed, but I know I will be with her one day. This time on earth is such a little piece of all time. The Lord was so good to give her us, because I get to spend the majority of time with her! Thank you Jesus for her life.

If you don't know Jesus, or don't know Him like you would like too, I invite you to come be apart of my family. Our hope is eternity and without it we have nothing. I want to spend eternity with the those I love and not apart from one of them. He is such a good God and He has such a safe place waiting for you, both now and in that day. Living for Him is a joy and it is where our true happiness is found, life is meaningful only through Him, will you join me?
God, thank you for sending your Son, Jesus to die so that I could live. Thank you for giving me life with every new day. Thank you for sacrificing yourself and going through the very depths of pain so that I could have joy in You. Would you be my Lord today and walk with me for the rest of all time. Holy Spirit, come live within me and be my friend and leader. I love you and my life is Yours!  Amen!

Bless each and every one of you. Thank you for all the prayers, encouragement and help you've given us through this time.

Much love,
Julie and James