It's now been 3 months since we lost our Eternity Grace even though it feels like yesterday. Time has always been a incomprehensible thing to me but even more so these last few months. I finally think I put my finger on what it is- life moves on while I feel stuck in the same place. Things around me change, and days pass, but my heart and mind are still processing and working though the loss of my baby. So many times each day I think to myself "I am a mom." My greatest dream of being a mother has begun, but she's not here. I'm not experiencing the joy of little kicks and squirms of a little one inside me, I didn't get to see my body change shape with the reality that a baby grows within my very body. I walk around thinking, "I am a mom.. but no one would know." My heart aches daily with the longing to hold my child. I love her so much. I miss her so much. Children are so precious and such a blessing. I pray my heart will always be reminded of this when I'm feeling overwhelmed with constant care they need.
As I grieve, I'm constantly thankful for Jesus calling my heart open and to pursue surrendering all in order to live from deep inside. I can't imagine living bound up with a shut down heart. I want to be free to speak openly and love and comfort others from a place of tenderness and healing. This is my lifelong journey. I don't understand how the Lord ordains and calls forth and knows all things, but I am thankful how He uses situations to teach us to love better. I want to be the wife and mother that the He has called me to be, I want to be open to change and grow even when it's painful. Even when it's a battle, and when I'm stubborn, I am so confident that a life lived for him is so much better then one lived for my own wants and desires. May our hearts goal be to under His control and not our own.
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